Silence can be a Blessing

Silence gives the mind time to breath and rest...and it also allows my mind to realize how many "unfinished projects & chores" still remain around the house. As I sit here and ponder over the past months from April (when Autumn turned 1yr) to today I realize just how much time has flown and I feel like I've accomplished so much yet I've accomplished so little. But then again I know that the majority of things we long for in life and focus our daily lives around really aren't that "important"...they are just things to keep us occupied.

Through many ups and downs this past week, starting with losing Oscar and then continued with many thoughts and prayers for Travis's grandma that's fighting pancreatic cancer & is back in the hospital; I tell you this past week has been one heck of a ride, mainly emotionally. My mind feels drained and my  body is slowly starting to get more energy back. I'm just shocked at how much life can change in a weeks time. Even with all the stress and trials of life it makes me realize how truly blessed I am.

I look to the weeks ahead as we're anticipating Aubree's arrival. I can just about see the light at the end of the tunnel....and at the end of the baby laundry pile. Her room is looking more like a nursery and things are finally getting in order. Autumn is thrilled to death that all these silly & fun baby toys are for her and her baby dolls! Much less does she know that she's soon going to be sharing all these silly toys with a sister. I the back of my mind I can even faintly hear the screams of them stealing each others baby dolls and books (which I can say I don't look forward to but gotta take the good with the bad). Anticipation gets the best of me when I think to the weeks ahead and the new adjustments that we're getting ready to leap into. I can not wait. Even kind of weird to think I'm looking forward to the newborn sleepless nights and lack of sleep.

In the meantime, we dwell and focus on the days ahead and think of the day-to-day joys in our lives that we are ever so thankful for.

The newest laughs that Autumn brings to us are learning the dogs names "OssssCaaaa!!". Removing her DVD's from the player and continue to shove it wayyyy under the t.v. Then she'll change the t.v channel and beg for you to fix it so she can do it all over again. She can now run full speed with her play shoes on, yes those would be the ones with the small heels, and she thinks it's nothing but funny. None of the flashlights in the house have good batteries in them; you're more than likely to find at least 4 or 5 flashlights on (in her bedroom or under the couch) at any given time. There are so many new things she delights us with every day. Those are the moments in life that we live for and are so blessed to have. Just to think we're going to be doubly blessed in less than 6 weeks. 

I end on the note and the highlight of the day. Autumn went and meet Santa today and didn't cry! Wooo hooo! Last year was a whole different story. (Note to mommy & daddy: do NOT carry her in the moments ahead to see Santa or the Easter Bunny, make her walk...makes for a much easier transition) Make sure she can take her baby with her and it's all good. Never a dull moment!!

Philippians 4:6- "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God."

Tears and Words Can't Describe...

I don't even know where to begin. I do know one thing I will do and that's tell it from the heart. Sweet memories are all that remain of our precious and furry baby Oscar. Nov. 28th he got out of the back yard and wandered down our driveway. I'm guessing he was trying to venture across the road but he didn't make it barely 1/2 way there. Those of you that really know Oscar know that he is one of the slowest moving & calm doggies you'll ever meet. When God created him he created something so unique and special, I just can't put it into words.

 It started a little over a month ago when he found a hole in the gate of the back yard...and decided the grass was always greener on the other side. We finally got it fixed and thought we were set good again & had him contained. Then he found another hole (somewhere, we still don't know where though) and began his journey of escaping once again.

There are many things I blame for what happened to him. I blame the fact that if I would have only been home literally seconds/minutes earlier from grocery shopping I could have caught him. If I would have went grocery shopping earlier in the day none of this would have happened. If Travis gets home from work and I'm not here he'll let the inside doggies outside to potty very briefly and then let them back inside to be feed. Well, he let Molly, Emma Lou & Oscar all outside to potty...they had only been outside just a few minutes 3 or 4 at the most. But somehow he managed to sneek out fast & set his nose to the ground. He doesn't ever escape that fast once being let outside...but this time he did.

The evening, moment & time will forever be etched into my mind. Autumn and I were jamming to the radio on our way home from the store. She was hungry and a tad cranky so I was doing my "mommy dance" and keeping this girl up in spirit & ready to see daddy just shortly. As we were just yards away from our drive-way driving on our busy Farm Road I seen something stretched out on the road just outside of the middle but I couldn't quite make out what it was. My 1st and immediate thought was to look and see if Travis's work truck was home. It was. My next immediate fear was that Oscar had escaped again & this time it was him. It was. It was like time stopped and my heart was gone. Literally taken from my chest and thrown away. I laid on the horn all the way down the driveway. Pulled the emergency break and threw the door open. Frantically stormed inside screaming to Travis "OSCAR IS DEAD!!!" over and over. It was as if those were the only words I could utter at that moment. Nothing else seemed real. It was literally as if time had stopped and I was going to be stuck in that moment forever. I started hitting him on the back & screaming for him to "go get his body, he's in the middle of the road, go get my baby!".

At the time, Travis was on the phone with someone. I didn't know who & really didn't care. Without blinking twice he hung up the phone and dropped it...took off sprinting out the door. Cars were flying by, as they always do, in a hurried rush on our road. Speeding by as if nothing were there. I had followed Travis outside and I literally dropped to my knees on the bricks just below the porch steps...watching as he went to scoop up our baby off the road. With each second that big hole in my heart just kept growing. I literally could not breath. I was crying so hard that no tears were even coming out. Then all the sudden they started gushing out like Niagra Falls....kid you not they have not stopped since that moment. The pain I'm holding in my eyes and heart seems unreal and unbearable at moments. I know someone is probably reading this thinking how in the world can an animal be that important to someone. I tell you, it is, 100%. If you know me well and know anything about me you'd know I am one of the biggest animal lovers. They are literally a part of our family & they are treated that way. They are a living, breathing creature just as you and I are. They have a heart and they feel pain. They are the one constant thing in my life that will never not show me affection or be upset with me. There have been many rough moments in our lives over the past few months. Never once have my doggies denied my the love I need, snuggles and doggie nose rubs to get through those rough times. God has instilled me with certain qualities and one of the biggest ones is a love for animals, especially pets of my own.

As Travis approached the house he lovingly carried and cradled Oscar and took him back to be burried to let him rest. Within minutes he came to me with loving arms to comfort me and calm me down. I could not catch my breath and didn't want to move an inch as I laid on the bricks in tears. This whole time Autumn was patiently waiting in the car. Car running, music up loud and heater running. She had no clue what had happened & just knew she was happy to be home to Daddy.

The rest of the evening and night was filled with so many words, tears and etc. still just trying to wrap our minds around what all had just happened. All I want is one last sweet Oscar kiss on the nose, to pull the hair back from his big brown eyes and to hug him. That will not happen. The only good-byes to be said were at his grave and cross were he's now resting. My tears are still flowing heavy. Eyes so sore I can barely blink. Eyelids & eyes red and bloodshot.

Travis took 1/2 day off work to be with me this morning & do somethings around the house. He made a beautiful engraved wooden cross for Oscar's grave and trenched it into the ground just above where his head now lays...not on his comfy pillow by the back door but just by the old tree in the backyard, right next to where Savannah rests too. I am not ready to talk about it with anyone. I can barely walk around the house without bursting into tears.

Today was dedicated to making copies of pictures of him from over the years. Mailing off a picture of him and a letter to the editor about the careless people on our road. Our neighbors seen Oscar get hit and said the car obviously wasn't paying attention or didn't car...not to mention they just kept on going after they hit him. Maybe the person that took Oscar's life will read that letter...maybe not. I do know one thing. My little Oscar will never come close to being replaced. It's hard to watch Autumn so innocently pointing to his pictures saying "Osss Caaaa" over and over. Then she wanders to the back door points outside and says "No, No, No...". I also know Emma Lou already knows he's gone & misses him. She stood at the front door this morning howling, looking very somber.

Tears or words can not describe what this feels like and the sweet memories we've been left with. RIP Oscar we love you so much. You will be greatly missed. xoxo

Matthew 5:4
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

Snowball Effect

Wow. That's the one word I think I've used over two dozen times today. Therefore, Autumn has also been wandering around shouting "Wow!!! Wow!!! Wow!!!". You name it and I've most likely done it WRONG today. Kinda one of those days you wish you could have just stayed in bed with the sheets tucked over your head. But nope, there is wayyyy to much to be done and life goes on so...I started my day. However, I still say I started it out on the wrong foot and with my eyes closed. 
Had my OB appt for my wk 32 check-up on Aubree Claire. Wonderful news is that I'm measuring right on target for my due date of January 13th and her heartbeat sounds like music to our ears! At least to me and the doctor's ears anyway. Autumn immediately became extra shy once she heard the heartbeat (head down & eyes closed). She sort of went into 'Oh no!! Where do I look & what do I do??' mode. All she needed was a little attention from the doc & then she flashed him her gorgeous blue peepers and precious little grin & all was well in her world again.  A moment that melted my heart. Another (& final, woooo hooo) sonogram has been scheduled for next week to make sure Aubree is developing on track. Now the OB visits are every two weeks & we're ever so quickly approaching Aubree's special day!
While running errands we found out that it's going to be over $4,600 if we pay in full prior to delivery and $9k if we don't have it paid in full by Aubree's delievery. Which in all reality I'm seeing as a NO. WOW, and....we're moving on. On the other hand, I got a debt collector off our backs (that called last night wanting $500 upfront, due to someone's screw up, not mine) and the issue resolved w/Autumn's hospital bills, wheeeew what a relief. Then it was on to the house for lunch. Meanwhile my nose is dripping, red, hurting and stuffed up. Autumn must have a tissue everytime I have a tissue. Pretty soon there are tissues all over the car & we're swimming in them. She insisted on taking my face moisturizer and deodorant w/us in the car so she can put them on like mommy does. Which are now in pieces all over the car...After unloading the car and getting inside I realize we didn't run 1/2 the errands we're supposed to and I'm still missing some ingredients for Thanksgiving dinner! Oh well I say, we'll just make another trip out later and get that stuff taken care of. That's if I can get into the house since I looked my house keys inside. Thankfully I found a hidden pair and dug them out. WOW!
We finally eat lunch (while Autumn shares the majority of hers with our dog, Emma) and I'm glad to sit and relax. In the meantime, we pull out all the parts & etc to put together the babies swing and bassinett. Autumn is so excited that these news 'toys' are for her & her babies! Lol, 30 min later the swing is 1/2 put together w/Autumn so gently trying to help, but she's really hitting me & beating me with the metal bars. Her happiness turns into crankiness fast & it's officially nap time for her. She's out like a light. Good! Now I can finish the bassinett & swing w/out interruptions and in peace and quiet. Wrong! I have all the parts for the bassinett laid out & am assembling and attaching parts all the while searching & searching for the "detachable" wheels. I'm tearing things apart looking for the stupid wheels, the only thing I'm missing. Get online & look into what it costs for replacements. Don't have the lot # so I call the manufacturer's hotline and sit on hold for a good 10-15min. After speaking with the lady that sounds like she's in Jamaica (both of us can barely understand each other). Just when I think I've made myself clear I realize 'She has absolutely no clue what so ever what I'm looking for' and she puts me on hold, again. I re-explain the whole situation and tell her 'I just need the replacement wheels that attach to the bottom of the base' and she puts me on hold, again. I still don't get a straight forward answer...and she insists on knowing why I didn't keep track of the wheels. She must have insisted 3 or 4 different times I should have kept track of the wheels, yada yada yada. FINALLY, I get my answer. It's going to be over $30 to replace the wheels because "supposedly" they do not detach from the base and I'll have to order the whole base. I tell her I'll get back w/them, thanks for your time. After doing some more searching after I end the phone call I start looking for the lot #. Ah Ha!! What did I find? The wheels!! Who would have thought...they were there the whole time tucked up into the base of the bassinett legs. Funny thing is they're not "detachable" after all. Who would have thought? I could have swore the last time I checked there they were missing. Hmmmmm
Definitely another big WOW moment.
Here the swing sits 1/2 assembled and the bassinett still lays in pieces on the living room floor. Oh well, maybe I'll wait to finish putting them together when Autumn's awake. That way she can keep me entertained & on my toes. But now it's time for a nap. Gonna see if I can't wake up w/my eyes open and start out on the right foot this time. Maybe my snowball has stopped rolling for the day...

Isaiah 41:10 “…do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.”

Spinning This Web Called Life

It's about time to make some "me time" and begin my blogging adventure. Just a chance to share stories, laughs, love and trying time we tend to encounter. Not to mention with adding another beautiful life and baby girl to our family tree...I'm sure there will be many stories I'd love to share. Goodness knows how our lives have changed ever so much these past few years. I often find myself looking back and continually wondering how we got to where we are in life. I never would have dreamed back in 7th grade when I met Travis that he would soon become my best friend, soul mate and we would eventually have two beautiful daughters to fill our hearts with love and laughter. To this day I find myself counting my blessings for bringing us together. Even at age 14 he melted my heart...and most certainly still has that charming effect.

Life right now is starting to make some crazy twists and turns for us. I'm excited and yet nervous & anxious to see exactly what those twists and turns have in store for us. So many new things are happening and while we're enduring them and continuing to weave our little family web, we find that time passes w/the blink of an eye. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for all the moments in life I've been given. As I think back, 2007 was a very hard year...in the midst of that year I felt like it was never going to end. Seriously, I never thought so many horrible and heart-wrenching things could take place in just a few months time. Less than 7 months to be exact. Trying to hold it together and have faith that time would heal pain was very hard to swallow. That year 4 people around me passed away. My cousin, Step-Dad (as I would call him), Great-Grandma and a good friend were all gone well before good-bye's could be said, hugs could be given and before we even attempted to prepare our hearts that would soon be so heavy. I look at time today and it's almost been 5 years...many tears have been shed (even as I type this...hopefully the keyboard can handle it) and my heart still aches. But as with most everyone else that goes through this phase in life...time does slowly heal. I believe the healing process is different for everyone. I also know that I still have a good ways to go.

I never thought I could possibly be so blessed in life as I am. A husband and best friend that loves my unconditionally, a daughter that is the center & light of my world, feeling life grow in my tummy a second time (with out major complications, praises be to God for that) and a perfect roof over my head. To some it may not sound perfect but to me it's a dream come true. My dream.

Let the blogging adventure begin!! Only time will tell what our little family web will look like as we spin this web called life.

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Just a test

Just started this blog...so I'm running a test page to figure it all out!